Everything is so easy with us. You cuddle me from behind and look at my bouncy curls that glisten in the cold sun. “It’s November,” I say. And then give you half a smile.

“I  like your thoughts knotty and mouth wide open.”

“I know,” you hear my reply.

We walk around an empty field and don’t hold hands. You point out that mine are way too cold.

But I’m cold all over, I think to myself. You should know it by now.

“I’ve never met anybody like you. Are all Eastern Europeans like this? With perky tits and complicated minds? I find you so alluring and attractive, it makes me somehow angry. You’re so bewitching, sometimes I don’t believe you’re not bionic.”

I look at you with that half smile. If you only knew…

– Chatty Owl has left the building –


When I look back at my past, I see all those amazing people I had in my life.

There were those green fatherly eyes that made my days brighter and tea with milk just a little bit sweeter.

There were my first (and last) cigarettes that I smoked and washed their taste down with wine. There was the “Moonlight Sonata” played live over and over again on the phone by a curly-haired boy.

There were long South African walks in the city after the sun was gone and smiles that you don’t know London overground. There were sneaky kisses to remember when we sulked in our own shadows of guilt. Every few years.

There were jokes in the park and Edinburgh in summer. There were Christmas trees for surprise and love promises for presents. There was always toast in the morning and a long-waited ability to sleep at night. All curled up in your English hug with a scent of happiness. There were tears over unborn mistakes and many long hours of silence between us. There was a selfish girl just standing next to the best thing that has ever happened in her life.

There were crazy poems that are forgotten now and one song to be played on loop throughout the night. There were black crystal roses and nasty phone calls that ruined so much for me at a time. There were names for non-existent little girls. I still remember them.

There were carved names in the tree and hidden memories of Tom Ford mist around us.

There were miles and miles between us with those hand-written letters and pictures in black and white. There were plans to hold hands and meet your dog. I still wonder about him. There were stories about a butterfly and… hyphened honesty that held all this together.

There were so many people in my life. That were let down. That were taken for granted.

And here I am. With a cold cup of tea and another song playing on repeat for the past hour. With tears being wiped with the back of my hand and voices in my head telling me to stop.

I had that all. And now I don’t. And never will.

Today was special. It made me understand that now I’m by myself. Alone. An empty shell for your convenience.

And when I thought I could at least try to enjoy those green-eyed dreams of elephant at night and ginger biscuits on the bench…they are too far. And will be taken away before I get a chance to know them.

But I don’t want your pity. I’m strong, remember? 

– Chatty Owl has left the building –


Hungry magpies colour my vision with their blacks and whites. I thought I knew what colour was, but they just switched it off for me.

I look across the field for something. Yes, that. A silver flare playing in the bald patch of camomiles. A treasured ray of sun. Well, the reflection of it.

I’m just like that. A silver shadow in your grand existence. A flickering light that has no rest. Please catch me if you care, before those hungry magpies will…

– Chatty Owl –


Midnight. Few minutes past.

And I’m still waiting. For the letter.

That you promised.

I hate timetables

I don’t like schedules

And my thoughts just become a knot of wires.

I hear the sound of green –

It’s my old clock.

It’s late. It’s early.

I don’t know now…

I click my fingers more and more

So loud, to make the mist be gone forever

The mist, the fog that made me blind

I click and click and click…

The sleep just killed me.

A headless dream.

– Chatty Owl –


I baked a pie – naughty like my thoughts about you. Cherries reminded me of your long fingers and nuts spoke about your merits for me. I wanted to see your face in those sugar cubes, but they have melted down – just like your compliments for me. I wanted to taste your opinion about me, but it has evaporated like a bottle of perfume. I was biting the pie bit by bit from every angle and spitting it back on the plate – just like wine tasting. And then I realised it’s stupid – a pie is not that sophisticated as good wine.

Next time I’ll bake a pie that will have a taste of you and I will drink it in one go. Like cough syrup.

– Chatty Owl has left the building –


I got a pear out of my bag and had a bite. My manager is watching me for a couple of minutes and asks:

– Do you eat the pear with a core?

I stare at him like he has lost his mind. Of course I eat the pear with a core! Who doesn’t?!

– Oh. You’re just like my mom, it must be a european thing, – he thinks out loud.

– Oh, your mom is not from around here? Where is she from? – I got interested.

– Germany.

– She’s German! – I shout in excitement without realizing it. And then I feel stupid.

– Are you OK? Why so happy? – he laughs.

– Oh no no, nothing, sorry. I just like Germans.

He doesn’t need to know about my German fetish and stupid interest in Hitler…

– Chatty Owl has left the building –


If I were a finch, I would sit on your neighbour’s roof and shit on his tulips. And you couldn’t say anything, the flowers are not yours! I would gawk at all your four windows and I would screech in a loud horrible manner. And you know, when you’d want to show off in front off your uncle and fry him two lots of potatoes with those stinky onions, I would hop so hard on the roof, that all onions would jump out of the pan. Hell yeah, not only the neighbour would laugh, but the tulips too. The ones on the right.

And you know, when you’ll be eating your porridge with a wooden spoon two days from now and you’ll be thinking how to get your revenge on me, I’ll be already on the roof on the other side of the village and won’t remember either the tulips or the stink of those onions.

– Chatty Owl has left the building –


Today let’s talk about women. Special women. The ones, that can be softly evil. Even a little bit disgusting. (To other women). Today let’s talk about women that catch every man’s eye. Or sometimes even both of them. Women like that are everywhere – you can see them sitting in the corner of a cafe or at the back of the bus. They are fiddling with a string of hair, cross their legs when it’s not needed and look down in a sexy manner so they could look up at you again and make you shiver. They are so naturally fake, that you want to dunk one in your coffee or keep it in your pocket. Where your heart is. Close.

And I’m one of them.

– Chatty Owl –

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